Mar 18, 2015

Hansel and Dental

For years I've taken the kids to their dental check-ups in a dual appointment structure. Knock off two check-ups in one visit. 

This appointment wasn't any different than the others except Loo (my daughter) noticed and mentioned that Kid Nao (my son) always seems to be greeted and called back to his check-up first. 

I never noticed this in the years past, but I'm sure since she’s the older sister, she had a more heightened awareness of this bias. 

She also noticed and commented that his hygienist was cute. Admittedly, I said "they're all cute and pretty here." It's actually true. In fact, everyone is extremely nice and they all have gorgeous smiles with perfectly straight white teeth. Of course, why wouldn't they? They're all walking billboards for their profession. 

Duh, who'd want a dentist or hygienist with yellowed and missing teeth?

Loo laughed and joked, wouldn't it be funny if out of all the cute ones, she might get the snarled tooth crony witch hygienist for HER check-up. 

With a chuckle, I started picturing all the classic witches from the fairy tale stories. I conjured up, in particular, the witch from Hansel and Gretel luring her victims with cookies and candy. She'd come out with a plate of gigantic M&M cookies and beautifully sprinkled decorated cupcakes and piles of candy. 

Seems to be perfect bait at a dental office, don't you think?  

The snarled tooth crony witch drifts out from around the corner and greets with a screechy, "well, hello my preeety, how about we take a look at those lovely nugget teeth of yours." "Come enjoy some treats and cozy into my gingerbread chair." "Sit back and relax my little dumpling."

As you enter the "supposed" gingerbread examining room, you notice all the dental gadgets which, quite honestly, look like medieval torture weapons. The apprehension to sit in the dental chair feels a bit unnerving

Just like Hansel and Gretel, the promise of sweet treats was too tempting to resist.  I mean a "Gingerbread" dental chair...c'mon!

Then before you could even think about getting the first lick of frosting, you’re getting those cardboard thingy’s shoved in the insides of your mouth and asked to bite down, DON’T move and DON’T gag! Your eyes are bulging and watering. You’re trying to choke down the flooding saliva in your throat. 

Just when you think you're about to drown on your own spit, the cardboard thingy’s are removed and you're thrown back into a horizontal position. You're lowered, lowered, and lowered some more! You're getting dizzy and woozy while visions of sugar plums dance in your head. 

Before you could say "want cupcake" you have 22 gadgets, a syringe and a hose in your mouth.  There's a spotlight shining like laser beams in your eyes and blinding your vision. You can't see..."sweet Jesus, what kind of DEATH trap is this?"

You feel a snot bubble forming and tear running down your face.  Suddenly, you're this truly, really a "gingerbread" chair?!?!

The moment was fleeting, as the thought was deafened by the whirling and buzzing sound coming in your direction! 

At the same time, you hear faintly a whispering in your ear,” this won't HURT at all my little dimple cheeks, we've got gumdrops waiting for you."

At this point, light spots have blurred your vision and you can only see shadows of the contraption that's about to enter your mouth. "Open WIDER" the screechy voice commands. 

The drilling is vibrating the numbness of your face. The mouth stretching has caused cramping and a jaw joint to unhinge, bringing a deflated ambition to chew those gumdrops! 

When is this insanity going to end? Geez, all I wanted was a cupcake and some gingerbread!!

In that moment, you're hoisted to an upright position with drool streaming from your lips and a stupefied look of despair

There’s no time to shake the cobwebs from your head, when the jet stream of water starts super soaking your mouth and face. The water spray actually helps to cool the sweat that has collected profusely on your brow. Suddenly, you hear, "SPIT in this bowl."

As you watch the reddened spit swirl in the bowl, you're thinking, my God is that MY blood.

You feel faint and nauseated! It’s become quite clear, that this lady is not going to give you cupcakes, cookies or gumdrops. Hell, I don't even think this is a gingerbread chair!!!

"Hey mom, mom...did you hear me?" "I've been called back to go now."

"Oh, yeah right...o.k. Loo."  

Coming back to reality, I got a quick glance at Loo's hygienist and thank goodness...she was like all the others here. A pretty young lady with a pearly white smile and even a cute little baby bump.  "Good luck Loo!" "DON'T sit in the "gingerbread" chair!!"

The moral to this fairy tale, if you have a snarled tooth crony hygienist greeting you with cookies and cupcakes that invites you to her "gingerbread" chair...RUN like hell!  

It could happen!

After all that, you deserve "a square of chocolate!" 

Put your smile on,
Laurie O


  1. As if kids aren't scared enough of the dentist office already!!!

  2. Thankfully, it's only a fairy tale! My dentist couldn't be kinder. No lure of cupcakes or gingerbread either.

  3. I have been going to my dental specialist for cleanings, x-rays and preventive maintenance for over 5 years and he's the best! I follow hygiene advice from dentist Manhattan Beach and have no problems at all.


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