Hi, I'm Laurie and I'm a Christmas Shopping Sissy. I admit it...I'm in the Sissy Club. In fact, not only am I a club member - I'm the Club President.
Christmas shopping is for the strong and retail determined go-getters. That's not me! I don't have the stamina of the Energizer Bunny. I don't have the patience of a Saint and I don't have the retail survival skills of an Eagle Scout.
I went Christmas shopping this past weekend with some gal pals and if it wasn't for needing to check items off my Christmas list, enjoy some friendship camaraderie and a good stiff drink(s), I may not be encouraged to do a 2 day shopping binge.
As I get older, I've noticed I'm less tolerant to the Christmas shopping dilemmas. As much as I try to avoid it, I'm easily becoming a shopping sissy.
For example, I turn into the biggest complainer when someone rolls up and steals the parking spot that I clearly was waiting for and with my blinker engaged.
I'm really bothered by rude and budgie people that get on my naughty list a lot quicker these days. What happened to "excuse me" and "sorry?" Or, how about a courtesy flush in the restroom people! C'mon respect the sissy's!
Then...I get a little pissy after I've strategized to seek out the shortest check-out line only to discover it’s the one that took the longest! Polly the Problem Maker just threw a wrench into my plan and now I've waited double time.
Noticeably, my days of youth are in the past when I can no longer seem to carry a coat, one package and a purse anymore. The need for a cart is dire and while hunting one down, I've succumb to walking the mall with a buildup of boob sweat and sticky pits. Now, I'm more than hot and bothered.
After heaps of shopping disappointments and impasses, I'm anxious to find a bench to sit and sob. I've only checked off 1 of the 10 items from the list and I'm ready to throw in the towel.
The last straw was strolling through Spencer's hoping to stumble upon some cool ideas. Spencer's has always been an edgy and brazen store, but when did it turn X-Rated? Where else can you buy a Hello Kitty lamp, Superman T-shirt, Whoopee Cushion and a Pink Dildo all in one store?
I remember shopping there for lava lamps, unicorn posters and fake puke. The inventory of pleasure toys and sexy lingerie has taken up the whole corner real estate of the store. This discovery had me wondering, am I totally out of touch with this Mall Madness or just a Christmas Shopping Sissy? I’m probably both!
If these experiences are all too familiar and you’re ready to throw in the towel; no worries there's a club for that. It's the Christmas Shopping Sissy Club and we're accepting members.
There's no initiation, just show your furrowed brow and synched lips and I can get you in immediately. After all, I am the Sissy President! You’ll receive a towel for your sweaty crack syndrome and bottle of “Sweet Bitch” wine to get you through the season.
On the other hand, if your Christmas list consists of Batman pajamas, Bob Marley T-shirt, and a Beer Pong Game. Or, possibly a Fetish Restraining Kit, Vagina Lubricant and a Pecker Mug, then one store will slay that list in about 10 minutes.
I just finished my list. Guess what Mom? You’re getting a "Mug" this Christmas!